They can’t rescue you if they don’t know you need it. Ask for help to fight another day
1 Year Later
A year ago today, I sat in my car with a box of all the prescription meds and a pack of razor blades trying to make sense of the chaos in my head. What was I thinking, what was I doing? I am not sure, all I know is I needed my brain to STFU and the chaos of life to stop.
Do I know what the tipping point was, it is still as clear as day for me! People that surrounded me and called me friend, family, and that I had gone out of my way for time and time again staying up all hours of the night talking them when they had a nasty breakup. Or another person constantly paranoid that her boyfriend was cheating on her and that she could never lose him because she could not find anything better. She would freak out at all hours of the day call me in tears or a panic and there I was talking and reassuring all hours of the night.
That night, I went on social media to check a couple of things and realized that they had blocked me from all access to them. From 2 people that called themselves family, this was something I could not wrap my head around at that point. Was I aware that night that I was triggered already, and that was the icing on the cake, nope not all. We talk about buckets, and all the shit you deal with go in buckets, well my buckets overflow most of the days and add that to an overflowing bucket, and you start to spin.
From there things spiral downward, I remember kissing Elise goodbye leaving my suicide note on the counter and heading to my car.
Not sure how much time passed, I drove for a while, ignoring my phone and texted, then pulled into the parking lot and sat in silence, emotions were high all the negative feelings, thoughts are rushing to the foreground. My brain that usually can solve or fix almost any issue could not solve these issues; it was not logical; it was not black and white. At one point, I picked up my phone and started to text a little with my best friend, and as time went past, an OPP truck came in behind me.
Ironically it was the same officer that I had when I attempted the first time. He was kind, he was gentle, but the most important thing for me is that he treated me as a human, It was not a nutter, a wack job, someone that is just in his head. I was human to him, I was a person that needed help, and he wanted to help.
There was no judgment; it was an open conversation; he wanted to make sure I was in a place that I could feel safe and that I could ground myself. After an hour or so, I got into his truck and went to the hospital to start talking to someone. In the AM I was transferred to Ottawa, and I met what was the first therapist/psychiatrist I could connect with, he was relatable, he was open and vulnerable, to the point that he shared his struggles with mental health and triggers.
We talked for hours; he was not in a rush, I kept asking him if he had better stuff to do and his response was always the same, the only thing I need to do today is to make sure you are ok. He laid out some tools and tricks I could use to ground myself. Building a safety system that if I was ever in that headspace again, I knew what I could do to get help or get myself out of a crisis. He put my biggest concern at bay if I come to the ER and ask for help that I would not get admitted for a week and just left there. It would only happen if they could not get control of my meds that I was on.
As I sit today and reflect, on the past year, I can genuinely say it was a fuck of a year, that the ups were terrific and the downs as scary as hell. Its a day by day process, and it is not linear. As one family member said to me, “I am not seeing enough progress” My reply well, I am here today that is progress. I have lost people out of my life, it hurt like a bitch at the time, but now know that it was the best thing that could have happened to me, as they were never real friends.
I have slowly started rebuilding friends and relationships that want the best of me, they want to see me grow, they want to push me to try harder, be better, and foremost they want me to be true to myself.
They understand my ups and downs and never judge when I say I have been struggling today or can I sit in silence and be in your presence. They know my grounding box, they know what each item means to me, and can draw on that when I am in my head.
A lot has changed this year, learning to see the positivity in situations, ask myself the question when something is not right and what is the lesson I learnt from this or what is the silver lining in this lesson. I have joined a men’s group called The Grounded Man that is a group of like-minded men, supporting each other and the issues that surround men. Found a therapist that understands, childhood, and adult trauma, PTSD in men. Am I perfect, fuck no, do I still regress sometimes, fuck yes! Do I still think somedays, the world, my mind, and my thoughts are better off me, not here 100%. I am aware of that voice now; I am vocal about the voice, I tools to fight that voice.
What is the biggest take away from the last year? I have learned what four letters put together can do, H-E-L-P. It is not a sign of weakness; it is not a sign of giving up, it’s showing that you are not perfect, that you need the assistance or just the presence of someone else. I would urge any of you to start learning those four letters.
The circle of close friends and what I call family is small, but every day I am thankful for every one of them. You know who you are, and not a day goes by that I am not grateful for each of you. Somedays, I wish the friends that I have that are not physically close to me were, but we can still foster amazing relationships online as well.
In closing, people ask why, why to share my storey, why put your shit out there. Why is the random IG dm I got from someone that was struggling hard saw one of my posts and inspired them to get help to reach to chat! Humanity needs to get back to having conversations, being ok, to be honest, not worrying about what someone is going to think and say
Thank you- EB, LO, ES, MB, RP, TL, MB, TL, MD, MC, AC, CM, SS, JR, KM to all the people that check-in and say “hi” or “how are you” the group at TGM!
