I have been very honest with people that I see a therapist and that I truly believe that mental health is as important as physical health. The other part both Elise and I have been open about is our (mostly her) journey (god I hate that word) through chemo and cancer.
The one thing we kept to ourselves and very close to us was that us starting a traditional family would probably not be in our future. That even adoption due to Elise health is not an option, and we would be more successful after Elise passes as me as a single father ( do not worry she is not sick or passing anytime soon)
We have a fertility Dr that we consult with when we have questions, and the option of freezing embryos was an option. The thought of adding hormones and drugs into her body, while having a tumour in her colon was unsettling. If we had decided to go forward, they would send the frozen embryos to Montreal for genetic testing, and if any one of them had the cancer marker, they would be disposed of. With that, it also meant that for whatever reason we did not use them we would have to decide to dispose of all the embryos. Both Elise and I agreed that it was not something we were comfortable with and decided against it. After her second diagnosis, we consulted our fertility Dr again, and Elise asked the hard question of should I be using my DNA to have a child. The Dr, let out a sigh of relief and said honestly not really.
Through the years I have compartmentalized this issue and just refused to deal with the loss of the significant potential of not have children of our own. We have heard it all from people we know, well you never know, and things just may aline. Without us making a conscious/ medical choice, it is not going to happen.
Present day, most of our friends are thinking of or have started having families. Every time I would hear the news, I would be excited and thrilled for them, but the box that held my emotions back would open. I would purposely shun myself from seeing the baby or trying to interact with him/her as I did not deal with my grief.
Yesterday, the is was the main topic of therapy for Elise and I and how do we work through this. As I want to be a positive influence on our friend’s children, and that crazy uncle that will teach them how to cook :). Through a lot of tears and Kleenex, I learned that its ok could to grieve over this, that its ok for me to be emotional around that child, to show that yes it hurts for now, but I want to be there, and I want to be that positive influence.
One our closest friends that just had a baby understood my struggle and never passed judgement on me, and let me in due time come over. Never upset that I would check in from a distance or ask Elise for an update. Last night I confronted my grief and made that choice to be present in his life. Will it be hard at times yes, will it hurt at times yes, but this is all part of the process. With time it will come easier, and as he gets older, I will build memories and moments with him that will last a lifetime.
I am not looking for sympathy or anything really, I just need to let a little part of me be released tonight, and if you have read this far if you have something in a box deep inside of you it is ok, to open it once and a while and face that emotion!
Rob
